Suddenly, silently, and finally.

I hadn’t been in bed for long when my phone started to light up. My heart dropped because I knew without any doubt that it was him calling. Looking at time I also guessed it wasn’t good news either. By this time of night, he was either too drunk to go home or he was right where he wanted to be. For the amount of attention he had been giving me lately, I knew I had something he wanted or something he needed.

His words told me he loved me and he wanted to be here with me. His actions told me different. They spoke of a man looking for the next best opportunity. The next best fool who would fall deeply for him. Without question, I had been that fool for him more than once. Eyes wide open!!!! I still fooled myself into believing I held a special place in his heart. On one hand he was fun, funny, loving, protective, bold, giving, and then there was this other dude. He was a narcissistic jerk! He was self centered. Didn’t care who’s feelings were hurt as long as he was good. He was a very good actor! He missed his calling!

The truth is… I held a place in his pants. It was the one thing he could bet on. The one thing that hooked all of the women…including me. Yep his claim to fame and his reason for walking around arrogant was because he was well endowed. In my opinion, it wasn’t anything to be proud of, but he didn’t care. He was the type to break all of the rules. There was this one time I even let him break me.

I picked up the phone with my normal salutations, “Hey babe…” He started to tell me the wildest dumbest story as to why he was coming by to get his clothes, and then he needed to rush back to be by his family members side………. in the hospital (again).

Either im bad luck for him, or his family has to be some of the most unluckiest set of people I know. Every other week his Grandmother, Grandfather, Mother, Brother, Cat, Dog, Uncle, Daughter, e.t.c… were in the hospital. I digress.

I knew he was lying. He knew he was lying. Now what? I laid in my bed with feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, stupidity, and regret. How could I be so dumb? How could I be so caught up with a man who is so dishonest? Who does not have a spirit of integrity? I was not that girl, but yet here I was being that girl. Like a love sick puppy in a trance I slide out my bed and unlocked my door.

He walked right in my house full of himself. Gathered his things and left. Although I was bothered, there was a sigh of relief down on the inside. I knew the truth. So why are you crying? What is this feeling you can’t seem to shake? As the engine of his jeep hums off into the night I feel pieces of me blowing in the wind…

Suddenly, I realized this was less about him, and more about the fact that I had not completely healed from my last heartbreak. I jumped right into his arms hoping he would help break my fall. I needed to feel loved. I needed to feel chosen. I needed to get far away from rejection. I did all those things through him. He had served his purpose. I cried silently into my pillow. I allowed myself to feel every emotions that came up. By the time morning came, I had emptied out all the things I was feeling. I could allow myself the space to be vulnerable. To forgive myself for falling in lust with someone who didn’t even value himself. He wasn’t a total piece of shit. He knew that he had hurt me. The eyes don’t lie. That night he looked in my eyes as he kissed me goodnight, and he could feel my pain. The thing is his pain, his life, and his well being trumped any woman. It wasn’t that he loved any woman more than he loved me. He didn’t love anyone. Not even himself.

He tried to smooth over the rough edges, because he never wanted to lose me. He made that perfectly clear every chance he got. I know he thought he loved me, but he loved what was between my thighs. He loved the way I made love to him.

He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, but finally I was strong enough to walk away. I didn’t fuss. I didn’t fight. I didn’t say one word. Silence is a response. Sometimes no words are needed.

Last time I heard, he was still playing the same game with new players.

I never would have guessed at this age, that I would have ever dealt with foolishness like that! But…I did. If you fiand yourself in this type of situation, first find yourself. You have to know that you are worthy of more than to be someone’s bed mate. Sex does not equal a relationship. Read that again!

I don’t care if you go get wings and a drink afterwards!

If a person is not giving you what you need, don’t settle. It may hurt for a season, but you will heal.

In the end you will be glad that you chose to honor yourself instead of sacrificing your needs for a person who don’t give a damn about you.

As always, thank you for stopping by!

🤗

#stillhealing #idratherbesingle #dontjuedge #iamnotashamed #confessionsofasurvivor #Bootsie4romshelby

The Places I Have Cried

You wouldn’t believe the places I have cried.

I have cried so many tears, in so many places over the years I don’t think there is many tears left… oh, but I could be wrong.

I’ve cried in the bathroom at school, because the night before I listened as my parents screamed and yelled at one another. They broke things. My mommy left him… again.

I cried on the playground in front of my friends, but I pretended my pet died. I didn’t have a pet.

I’ve cried in the backyard as it rained. I sat on the steps and my clothes were getting soaked, but my mind couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. The rain was my friend, and I pretended to be the rain.

I’ve cried in my bedroom. Naked. Not by choice, but by force. He was my friend, or was he? My mind was confused because now he was my rapist.

I’ve cried walking away from the person who promised to love me, but now we sat in a courtroom full of strangers, because he couldn’t control his anger and I couldn’t control the force on the inside of me that refused to be abused.

I’ve cried at awards day as my child’s only cheerleader cheering for the only award they received, perfect attendance. It showed that we never gave up, and we showed up everyday. Learning disabilities? It’s a small thing to a giant.

I’ve cried in the doctor’s office because the scales read: 5 2 5 lbs but I promised myself I’d never weigh that again.

I’ve cried in the funeral home looking at my father laying in his casket asking myself, “Is this really true, or am I dreaming?”

I’ve cried into my pillow for many reasons, many days and many nights for many reasons. Good thing that pillow can’t talk.

I’ve cried while laughing uncontrollably with my friends. Those tears were inevitable… those were happy tears.

I’ve cried during worship, because I don’t know why, but I know with certainty that the living loving God loves me. No matter what, I am his chosen elect.

BootsieFromShelby 😍

Falling to pieces

The first time I posted this it was a cry for help. No one said anything. It was 4 years ago or so. I don’t remember all what I was “growing” through, but around 2015 I began to wrestle between my spiritual and physical self. It would keep me up at night because I didn’t want to give up my flesh. I liked being my sexually awakened erotica Goddess no nonsense type of chic self. But the truth is I only liked being that woman because there was no accountability. I could do what I wanted. Say what I wanted and be free. I was only free on the outside. That lifestyle had me bound and burdened. It attracted so many people it began to make me literally sick to my stomach. My soul was sick.
I was sexually promiscuous, and I wasn’t spiritually responsible. When you lay with someone you allow their spirit to enter yours, and whatever he is dealing with or going through, congratulations now you are too. I was part of the culture “have a sex partner but catch no feelings” That’s not God’s design. That’s not his will for our lives. That’s why most of the time that never work. It’s not supposed to!!!
Your body is sacred. It should be treated as such. (Men you too.) In my broken vessel I broke others too. In my quest of trying to be this type of woman I broke hearts of men who tried to love me. You can’t love a troubled soul. I didn’t care what I was doing, because I didn’t care about me. I didn’t care how “he” felt, because I wasn’t supposed to…or was I? How did I get here? How did I get this old and be this immature on the inside?
Glory to got God I didn’t catch any diseases. No HIV or any other sexually transmitted diseases, but what I caught was spiritual diseases. Soul ties. I was already spiritually sick with my own issues and I dealt with men who were good looking on the outside, some popular, one was even famous but on the inside there was nothing but blackness in them. I remember one I wanted so badly until I got him. I found out he was a shell of a man, there was nothing on the inside.
When you don’t take the time to get to know a person, how they were raised, what demons they are fighting, what their beliefs are, e.t.c… but you jump into bed with them you are playing Russian roulette. It’s like buying a mystery box to feed your family, and then crying when you find out it’s all dirt and rocks.
Things got very dark for me, but I know how to pray. I began to pray for myself. The first prayer I prayed was a prayer of forgiveness. Yet I still felt so guilty. I had so much collateral damage.
Then I asked God to drop my name in the spirit of his prayer warriors, because I wanted to know somebody was praying with me. Today im not where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I was.
#WontHedoit

Free to be me.

I was free.
Yes, I know we were born free, but I was free from the mental prison I allowed him to put me in.
It came in like a flood at a time when my season was dry.
I thought it was love because the lust was so strong.
I was free, I was free!
My thoughts were no longer locked for hours playing, then rewinding every word in my mind that he had spoken into my soul. He broke me.
Yes me. The happy me. The loving me. The nurturing me.
The me that loved every broken place in him.
He broke me.
He trapped me by pretending to be everything I told him I needed.
Every day that was a dream, was only relaxing my spirit and making me lost my guard down so I be prepared for his attack.
Lord Jesus…I am free!
Not without scars. Not without casualties.
I paid a price greater than the worth of the whole relationship.
But I am free.
His words were like a sword, slicing me to pieces. Cutting me down bit by bit.
Did he mean it? Was I all those things he said? What is the lie? What is the truth?
Lord God, I was free.
I didn’t want to be in love anymore.
I wanted to be lonely again. I wanted me back. I wanted to be happy. I wanted my smile to be birth from the inside, and not a lie from the outside. I wanted to wake up without feeling guilty for something I didn’t do.
I was done pretending.
I was free.
I was living for me. As I sat in my chair waiting for class to start, I thought to myself… I thought I’d never be free again. I thought I’d never be me again, but look at me, all glory given to God I am smiling because I am free. 💜
#tb #truestory #July2010 #bendbutdontbreak #hangon #helpisontheway #letgoletGod #verbalabuseisabuse #noexcuses #livefree

Roots before branches.

Sometimes in a haste of anxiousness we rush through things, moments and times that are meant to be developed over time and not in a minute. Recently, I’ve been doing some soul searching. I keep bumping into the same wall with different paint.

To be honest I want to skip steps and finish my journey. I’m getting older and I’m ready to be…

However, there is a danger in skipping steps, ignoring red flags in potential partners, and not preparing yourself for the thing you are praying for.

Tonight I was sitting on my porch enjoying the breeze and the stillness of night. I was enjoying the peace I heard and the sound of nothing. I don’t get to do that often. My mind is always busy. It is always thinking and overthinking.

Do you ever do that? It is exhausting ain’t it ?

I looked at the big tree in my front yard standing strong, grounded by the roots in the ground. I thought of the process of its growth. It started with a seed. It had to be watered, and planted at the right time.

It had to grow a little bit by little bit each year of its life. As the roots grew stronger, the tree grew bigger. As the tree grew bigger, the branches got longer. As the branches got longer the leaves began to sprout. As the leaves grew and sprouted, the birds flew into the trees. As the birds flew into the trees they built their nests. As the birds built their nests, the squirrels burrowed inside the tree. As the squirrels burrowed inside the tree ants and other insects gathered around the roots. As the tree grew to its capacity it provided. It provided a home for many of God’s creations, it provides shade from the sun for anyone who is close enough to walk under it. It is a source of heat if the branches are cut off, and made into firewood to burn in a fireplace.

I thought to myself, we can learn alot from this tree. If we allow roots to form in our lives before we try to enjoy the branches, the possibilities are endless. Not only will we be what we need, but there will be an abundance for others around us.

Don’t get stuck in your planting season. Sow your seeds. Have patience, and wait on your roots to grow strong so that your branches will yield an abundance for you and others around you.

As always, thank you for stopping by 🤗

Bootsiefromshelby

#share #like #comment #encouragement