Addiction…the ugly word.

Addiction is a taboo subject. I believe that it is taboo, because so many people deal with it or have dealt with it from a family member or a friend. It is an ugly disease. I remember thinking that people who struggled with addiction had to be raised poorly, or that they didn’t care about their lives or anyone around them. I didn’t realize that addiction came in so many forms. I didn’t realize that addiction did not have a preference of race, gender, nationality, or creed. It is an equal opportunity employer. It does not discriminate between rich or poor. Addictions can range from drugs to sex to shopping and everything in between. I started to pay more attention to the different addictions as I began to explore ways to help myself with food addiction. I didn’t know that I was addicted to food or that there was such a thing until I was in therapy a few years ago. I remember being so embarrassed about it. I then started to think about all the people in my life who struggled with addiction. I will say that one out of every seven people in my life struggle with addiction. I won’t go into much more detail than that because that is not necessarily the focal point of what I am writing about. It is more or less to help others understand people with addictions. I know that I don’t look like an “addict”, but morbid obesity is my indication that I am struggling with food addiction. I am an emotional eater. I started over eating as a child. I would sneak food out of the kitchen and into my room. To hide the plates I would slide then under my bed. Unbeknownst to me, that attracted bugs. My mother is OCD. I remember coming home from school and she was in my room cleaning from under my bed. I was so embarrassed she had found those plates. That is one of the earliest memories I have with food addiction. Over the years I ate and gained weight. Food was my friend during all the trauma I lived through. The domestic violence, molestation, negative body image, feelings of worthlessness, and depression. My parents knew I ate a lot, my Dad would not say too much, but he was concerned. My mother tried to put me on diets and she was successful in getting me to loose weight, but those diets were short term. Then I would gain the weight right back. Once I moved out on my own and started my life I ate whatever I wanted to eat. I ate whenever I wanted to eat. Food was the center of my world. Before I knew it, I was well over 500 pounds. I was stuck.

I ate because I was happy. I ate because I was sad. I mostly ate to hid the pain that I was hiding inside. I had never told anyone about me being raped or molested. I honestly didn’t think anyone cared. I thought that because I felt like someone in my family should have known what was happening to me. I ate because I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to be loved and accepted. I didn’t want to be touched anymore. I didn’t want not one more person forcing themselves on me, and sexually assaulting me.

There was a time that I wasn’t the bold woman I am today. It took many tears, prayers and talks with myself to believe I was worthy to be respected, to be loved and to believe that I was beautiful in the skin I am in. I am a beautiful woman period, not beautiful to be fat….or the “You have a pretty face” chic. Just in case you didn’t know, that is not a compliment.

As I continue to navigate through food addiction and how to overcome it forever, my heart goes out to others who battle addictions. I have so many people in my life or that I know personally who are battling addiction. I pray for them often, not in a sympathy way, but I always ask God to deliver them and to provide them with the strength and courage not to give up until he does.

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“Make peace with your body and your past.” Dr. Aris Latham

I’m NOT in Love

“I’m not in love, it’s just some kind of thing, I’m going through, and it’s not infatuation, ain’t nothing going on between me and you.” (Missing You Song by Mary J. Blige)

I remember listening to this song in the 90s on repeat and drinking my gin and juice. yes, I am that old! lol…I had fallen in another love trap, and I was nursing a broken heart. I promised myself once I got over being love sick that I’d never allow myself to get into another “entanglement”. Well, I lied to myself. It was something that I told myself to make it through that moment. I remember sitting on my porch devising a plan to get my head out of the clouds. I managed. My heart healed and life went on.

Over these years since that day on my porch, I have been in love twice and numerous occasions of infatuations. My heart is hard headed and addicted to love. My mind is an over thinker and often a day late and a dollar short. It seems that I’ve always picked the wrong guy. I’m no love expert, but you can definitely look in my life and know what NOT to do as it relates to love.

I have found myself in the craziest situations. I’ve love men that didn’t love themselves, I’ve loved men who had red flags flying out of his ears and a flashing sign over his head that read, “do not date me!!!!!!!!!” , and what did I do? Dated him, loved him, and cried when I had to let him go.

Last year I decided to take a step back after finding out the guy that would swear on Jesus sandals that he loved me, turned out to be none of who he professed to be. The only thing that he told me the truth about was his name. I was proud of myself for handling the betrayal and heartbreak like I did. I broke things off with him and started dating. I met a few good guys, but there was no love connection. Dating is hard in the 40s club. The pickings are slim. Maybe its just me?

The very best thing you can do as a single person is to guard your heart. People are out here not playing fair. What do you mean Bootsie? I am glad you asked! I have met men who had wives, men that were in relationships and living with their significant other, bi-sexual men…let me interject right here if I may, if you are gay or bi-sexual that is your business. However, the woman you are dating has a right to know. Give her the opportunity to choose to be a part of that lifestyle or not. I’ve met women who were cool with it.

We are living in an era where everything is so sexually driven. I feel sorry for the teenagers these days. We were pretty wild back in my teenaged years, but the teens of today have so much to deal with. It is almost like having a moral compass or standard is a negative. Girls arte expected to give their bodies freely without being respected, loved or appreciated. Guys are expected to hit everything walking. Meaning sleep with as many girls as you can. Then you are the man. It is no wonder AIDS is a global pandemic.

I am grateful each time my AIDS/HIV test come back negative. I will be the first to admit that I’ve been no saint. It took me a minute to value that hot little thing between my legs. It had a mind of it’s very own. I struggled for many years with self worth. In my childhood I dealt with molestation and rape. I was raped again when I was 25 years old. I adopted a mindset that no one was going to take my body again. I would give it away before I would allow anyone to take it again.

I dealt with promiscuity at different times in my life. I learned to manipulate men with sex. I learned to be a seductress. It wasn’t hard. The hard part was trying to regain my dignity after I didn’t want to be that woman anymore. It was having to go through times when I did not want to have sex. I wanted to have intimacy. I wanted to laugh and talk and cuddle, but because of the way I presented myself, sex was always on the menu. I remember feeling like two different people. I became numb to sex. I was there to perform. I was an actress. I was sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. I remember thinking, “all I want is for someone to love me for me.” I didn’t want to be a freak. I didn’t want one more man telling me how good I felt to him, but he wasn’t there to find out who I really was. I knew that the only person that could change this narrative was me.

Believe it or not I had a hard time dating and not having sex. Sex was the way I communicated. I talked about sex very vulgarly. I had to retrain myself to talk about things that interested me. It was also how I weeded through the guys to find out who was there to get to know me, and who was there for sex. I had learned to separate sex from love. No bueno!!!!

Once you learn to separate sex from love you have a whole different problem to deal with. I know that this is the era in which many people are practicing having sex and “not catching feelings”. In my opinion that is the dumbest thing you can put yourself through when you desire to be more than a bed mate. I have practiced it and I failed. i either caught feelings or he did. It was very awkward and I will never do that to myself again. Let me help some of you out there that may be reading this, if a person had made it clear to you that all they want is sex…ALL THEY WANT IS SEX!!! I don’t care if they bring you food, go on dates with you, go out of town with you, bring you around their child or family, call you boo or whatever it might be, do NOT plan and start to act out like you are in a relationship. Not all cases, but 90% of these entanglements end in disaster. I’ve seen men and women get drug through the mud because they caught feelings for a coward. Yes, you are a coward if you are sleeping with someone you know loves you. It might break their hearts for the moment, but it is better to break their heart with the truth than to crush it with a lie.

I also can not act as if I’ve always been on the receiving end of the heartbreak. I’ve broken some hearts too. I really wish I could tell you all about a situation I was in, but I will keep that to myself at the caution that he may read this, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I did. He didn’t deserve the things that I put him through. If you are reading this I truly apologize. You are an awesome individual. The saying hurt people hurt people is very true.

As I sit here tonight single, I am very grateful that my heart is on the mend. I came out of yet another disappointing situationship. I take full blame for it, because I saw the signs, I wasn’t ready to read them. Remember this, a person can not be the person you perceive them to be. What is in them is going to come out. You can’t make someone be what they are not. If you are with a serial cheater and you stay in that relationship, guess what? He/she will cheat again. You will either accept it or be prepared to be heartbroken again.

Thank you for reading! Leave me a comment, like, share!


Random Facts About Me

We all have an opinion of people based on the way they look. We have all heard assumptions about ourselves from other people that are so far off that they are laughable. To better know me here is a list of random facts about me.

#1… I do not like to kiss.

#2… I am more of an introvert than an extrovert.

#3… I wanted to go to Oral Roberts University and study social work.

#4… “The Color Purple” is my favorite movie.

#5… Anthony Hamilton is my favorite R & B singer. As much as I tease about him being my husband, I wouldn’t date him in real life.

#6… I do not cry much, although I am a sensitive person.

#7… I do not understand the rules of football.

#8… I wanted to have at least 6 children or more.

#9… I think designer clothing is overrated and overpriced.

#10… My favorite food is grilled chicken.

#11… I have PTSD because of childhood trauma. As a result, I am fighting food addiction.

#12… I will always root for the black sheep and the underdog in any situation.

#13… I am a nice person, but I am not a pushover.

#14… I grew up in the country, but I am scared of most bugs.

#15…I have3 children.

#16… I have never been married.

#17… My favorite colors are red, black, pink and white.

#18… I have more than one best friend.

#19… I almost died at the age of 29 years old.

#20… I can not dance.

#21… My dream car is a customized range rover.

#22… I’d rather read than watch TV.

#23… I believe in miracles.

Although these facts are not exactly confessions are shocking, but I am a laid back soul who has a heart for the people in this world who have not had the best life. What is the one thing that people believe about you that is not true??

Thank you for reading!! Leave me a comment and let me know that you were here! šŸ™‚


Dishonored For Love

It is easy to say what you will not do until you find yourself in a situation that you aren’t strong enough to resist. There is a saying that I’ve heard my elders say many times which is, “what is in you is what will come out.”

I found myself stuck in love. I went blindly into a situation that took me further than I wanted to go. I could not for the life of me figure out how I got stuck in love with someone who had such blatant disrespect for my heart. No, he wasn’t mean or callous. He was actually the opposite of it. When we were together and we spent intimate time together he played his part very well. He showed me that he loved me and that he cared. I fell right in without checking him out to see if he was who he said he was. The red flags were flying everywhere! He lied about almost everything he told me except his name. He met all of my family and my children. He would do anything I asked him to do.

The first sign that there was a problem between us was his excuses and his absences. He was always on the go. He was always doing something or in a rush until I complained. Then he would comply with my demands. He was also obsessive. He was jealous. He did not want any man talking to me or doing anything for me. He would do it. I wasn’t completely blind-sighted by his antics, but the way he acted was like I was the best thing since sliced bread. I think he missed his calling. He should definitely go to Hollywood and see if he could get an acting career started. In the end, I found out he was in several relationships with other women. He denied every last one of them. I knew the truth, but I didn’t want to accept that he was not the man I perceived him to be. I really, really needed him to be that loving caring loud fun man that adored me. I needed him to be the man that told me how beautiful I was. I needed him to be my knight in shining armor that came to my rescue because I was crying in pain. I needed him to be the soothing voice and strong man that would tear anyone apart if they acted like they wanted to do me harm. I needed him to make me laugh and dance around in the floor to cheer me up. But it all was one sick lie.

When I started becoming suspicious of his behaviors and his lies started unraveling, it was like peeling paint off the wall. You think you are picking one spot, but that little thing became a big one in seconds. I found out so many things, but when I felt that uncomfortable feeling I knew I was not ready to be without him. I knew that I was in trouble. I knew that I was about to go on a roller-coaster ride. Boy did I!! I didn’t tell him I knew what I knew. I continued to let him come and go as he pleased. It started to take a toll on me. I felt myself slipping into depression.

I was in a relationship with a man who had other women and I stayed. I was in a relationship with a man who was sexually active with other women and I stayed. I was in a relationship with a man who lied to my face everyday and I stayed. I stayed even though he was dishonoring me. Each time I allowed him to walk in and out of my door knowing that he was going “home” to be with another woman, I dishonored myself for what I believed to be love. Wow. Exhaling…

Singer Betty Wright says in one of her songs that it is better to have a piece of man than have no man at all. That is simply not true. Having a piece of man is the same as having no man at all.

For a long time when I spoke of him, I’d start off with saying I know he loves me but… there is no but after that statement. Love is a beautiful thing. When a person love you, they will not put you in any position that will hurt you or to jeopardize losing you. I went from being hurt to angry, because I already know these things! I am no stranger to life and the fool love can make out of you. How did I get here? How did I let myself get involved with this type of man?

The truth is when you have a wounded soul from so many hurts, disappointments and rejections in life, you will accept the bare minimum of things. How you let others treat you is a self reflection. Ouch!! What do you believe you deserve? Why? What is it in you that you allow someone to treat you like you don’t matter? Truth is…

My heart is one that needs to heal. I need to heal from my first heartbreak. I need to heal from loving someone who married someone else in my face. Truth be told no one can play us unless we allow it. If you keep running into the same type of man/woman in a different body it is time to do a self reflection.

That has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do to date. I am still healing. I had to go inside those locked away places and unpack the hurts that caused me pain in my past. Healing is imperative to your/our future. After going through the humiliation and hurt I had to forgive him. I had to release the thought of wanting to get back at him for playing with my feelings. One of my friends who was present the whole time for this relationship or lack of better words, believes he is in love with me, but because of a few circumstances he has allowed himself to get in, believes that is why the other women came into play.

Can I be real and say that I do not give a damn? Some women believe in that main chick side chick stuff. I do not unless you are married to him. A lot of women operate in ego, and believe they have won the man. It feeds a need on the inside of them where they have been rejected in the past. Ego will have you out here looking stupid. If a man doesn’t want to be kept, he will always find a way to cheat. This is where you as a woman have to stand and have a standard. Refuse to be part of his entourage of women auditioning for his broken love. Men who lie, manipulate, and use women like toilet paper are dangerous. They are broken themselves and need healing also. Confronting the things that have broken you in your past isn’t easy. It doesn’t feel good when you have to admit that you have allowed men to use you and your body. You may have to seek counseling and allow them to help you navigate the task of healing. Healing is ugly. I will tell you the truth. You have to revisit a place that you ran from. Healing is a slow process.

Sometimes that will not happen overnight, most times it doesn’t. When you look at the situation for what it is, instead of looking at another woman as your enemy or competition, you will soon realize you are too good for that. Lay down your weapons of jealousy, malice, strife and vengeance. The biggest flex is walking away. Cutoff all contact and stand in your decision. It will sting. It may make you cry, but cut it all. The sex. The I love you and I miss you texts and phone calls. You are worth so much more than being someone’s second thought.

Forgive yourself for what you allowed and move forward. In time he will not matter anymore. No harm, no foul.

As a believer, I’ve asked God to break the soul ties from having sex with him and allowing our spirits to connect. On the days that I feel like I want to talk to him, I take it straight to God and ask him to remove the desire.

If love is dishonoring you I pray that you are strong enough to let it go. Choose you. You are worth it.

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