Good morning, I’m up early worshipping God, laying at the feet of Jesus, crying out to him thanking him for his sacrifice. Thanking God for his faithfulness, his mercy, his grace and I am humbled at where I am today in Christ. I am falling in love with God more and more. If you are up this morning reading my post, take a moment and listen to this song and let it usher you into God’s presence.
I hadn’t been in bed for long when my phone started to light up. My heart dropped because I knew without any doubt that it was him calling. Looking at time I also guessed it wasn’t good news either. By this time of night, he was either too drunk to go home or he was right where he wanted to be. For the amount of attention he had been giving me lately, I knew I had something he wanted or something he needed.
His words told me he loved me and he wanted to be here with me. His actions told me different. They spoke of a man looking for the next best opportunity. The next best fool who would fall deeply for him. Without question, I had been that fool for him more than once. Eyes wide open!!!! I still fooled myself into believing I held a special place in his heart. On one hand he was fun, funny, loving, protective, bold, giving, and then there was this other dude. He was a narcissistic jerk! He was self centered. Didn’t care who’s feelings were hurt as long as he was good. He was a very good actor! He missed his calling!
The truth is… I held a place in his pants. It was the one thing he could bet on. The one thing that hooked all of the women…including me. Yep his claim to fame and his reason for walking around arrogant was because he was well endowed. In my opinion, it wasn’t anything to be proud of, but he didn’t care. He was the type to break all of the rules. There was this one time I even let him break me.
I picked up the phone with my normal salutations, “Hey babe…” He started to tell me the wildest dumbest story as to why he was coming by to get his clothes, and then he needed to rush back to be by his family members side………. in the hospital (again).
Either im bad luck for him, or his family has to be some of the most unluckiest set of people I know. Every other week his Grandmother, Grandfather, Mother, Brother, Cat, Dog, Uncle, Daughter, e.t.c… were in the hospital. I digress.
I knew he was lying. He knew he was lying. Now what? I laid in my bed with feelings of anger, betrayal, hurt, stupidity, and regret. How could I be so dumb? How could I be so caught up with a man who is so dishonest? Who does not have a spirit of integrity? I was not that girl, but yet here I was being that girl. Like a love sick puppy in a trance I slide out my bed and unlocked my door.
He walked right in my house full of himself. Gathered his things and left. Although I was bothered, there was a sigh of relief down on the inside. I knew the truth. So why are you crying? What is this feeling you can’t seem to shake? As the engine of his jeep hums off into the night I feel pieces of me blowing in the wind…
Suddenly, I realized this was less about him, and more about the fact that I had not completely healed from my last heartbreak. I jumped right into his arms hoping he would help break my fall. I needed to feel loved. I needed to feel chosen. I needed to get far away from rejection. I did all those things through him. He had served his purpose. I cried silently into my pillow. I allowed myself to feel every emotions that came up. By the time morning came, I had emptied out all the things I was feeling. I could allow myself the space to be vulnerable. To forgive myself for falling in lust with someone who didn’t even value himself. He wasn’t a total piece of shit. He knew that he had hurt me. The eyes don’t lie. That night he looked in my eyes as he kissed me goodnight, and he could feel my pain. The thing is his pain, his life, and his well being trumped any woman. It wasn’t that he loved any woman more than he loved me. He didn’t love anyone. Not even himself.
He tried to smooth over the rough edges, because he never wanted to lose me. He made that perfectly clear every chance he got. I know he thought he loved me, but he loved what was between my thighs. He loved the way I made love to him.
He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, but finally I was strong enough to walk away. I didn’t fuss. I didn’t fight. I didn’t say one word. Silence is a response. Sometimes no words are needed.
Last time I heard, he was still playing the same game with new players.
I never would have guessed at this age, that I would have ever dealt with foolishness like that! But…I did. If you fiand yourself in this type of situation, first find yourself. You have to know that you are worthy of more than to be someone’s bed mate. Sex does not equal a relationship. Read that again!
I don’t care if you go get wings and a drink afterwards!
If a person is not giving you what you need, don’t settle. It may hurt for a season, but you will heal.
In the end you will be glad that you chose to honor yourself instead of sacrificing your needs for a person who don’t give a damn about you.
As always, thank you for stopping by!
#stillhealing #idratherbesingle #dontjuedge #iamnotashamed #confessionsofasurvivor #Bootsie4romshelby