My scarlet letter: I believed he loved me; even though he was her husband.

Exhaling… in preparation of this blog. I wrote certain things down in my journal that I would share about myself. In my quest to unpack those things that are keeping me bound, I promised myself I would tell the truth.

As ugly and shameful as this is, this is my truth.

I had just come out of a toxic relationship, and I was finally free! I felt liberated, because I really left him and recreated a happier me. I was in school getting my bachelor’s, I was beginning to lose weight, my children were happier than I’d seen them in a long time, and life seemed to be taking a turn for the better. I was newly single and I wanted to meet someone. Not just anyone, but someone way different than I ever had before. The popular thing to do then was to join a dating site. I took a stab in the dark and joined. I immediately got all these hits and I found myself up scrolling through ions of messages. I hit a few back that seemed to be “normal” and went on a few dates. Those dates didn’t really pan out to be much, but nevertheless it was entertainment. One night I got a message from a very handsome guy. We clicked immediately. We talked everyday and every night for sometime before we exchanged numbers and decided to meet. He never mentioned he was married, and I didn’t ask. I was excited that we were having meaningful conversation, and he had not mentioned sex, not even once. One day we were talking and he suggested that we meet. I was nervous, but I obliged. From that moment on we were inseparable. He was intoxicating, kind, giving, funny, and attentive. He treated me with so much care and respect. There was no way that I wasn’t falling for this guy this fast, but I was. I was on a rollercoaster ride. What’s the old saying? The same thing make you laugh will make you cry.

While I’m falling for him I am neglecting to pay attention to the red flags. He wasn’t around much on the weekends. After a certain time at night he was “sleep”, and that was why he didn’t answer his phone. He was at my door first thing in the mornings because he just had to see me before he went to work and I went to school. He played with my children, and built a repertoire with them. I usually don’t allow that but he was such a “Dad” to them.

He was a hero to me. He always came to my rescue.

I had a flat tire in the rain one morning. He got off work and changed my tire in his dress shirt and tie. I was impressed. I had allowed my last relationship to tear me down so bad I was like a desperate dog in heat for this man. It wasn’t like he was doing anything I had not had before, but it had been so long since I had someone to treat me like he did. I couldn’t control my want for him.

He changed that tire, kissed me on the forehead and then gave me money to get lunch.

There are so many other instances that I could write about but you get my drift.

One night I was up writing a 12 page paper and it was getting the best of me. I decided to take a break, so I hopped on Facebook. I thought to myself hmmm, he and I aren’t friends on Facebook, let me look him up. There he was! He popped right up, but before I could send the friend request I looked on his profile, and it said “blah, blah, blah is married to blah, blah, blah” 😱😥😥😥😥😥😥😥

I was crushed. I remember sinking down into my bed feeling so stupid. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused, and I couldn’t wait to talk to him. I knew he would call first thing in the morning. All of a sudden all of the gaps came together.

He admitted to being married, and he told me he loved me, but he hadn’t been in love before, he said he believed we were soulmates, and he would stop at nothing for us to be together. He said they slept in separate rooms and was no longer intimate. He promised to get a divorce so we could be together. He cried at the thought of hurting me (his words). Insert *side eye right here*. He sent me flowers, he would pull up at my school or my hairdresser’s to pay for things “just to see me”.

I stopped talking to him for about 3 months, and I tried to leave him alone.

I missed his attention, and I was addicted to him. I tried with everything in me, but to no avail did anything I did or say work, because I was in love with him. I found myself entertaining his text messages, then his phone calls, and then we were sharing my bed. We were back on like never before.

Let me say this. This situation broke me in so many ways. I gave into my flesh. I was wrong. I didn’t care. I wanted the life we talked about. Married, living our dreams and raising our kids. Yes, he referred to my kids as his. Smh, this was a hot mess. Soap opera ready, but what I wasn’t ready for was the spiritual, emotional and mental death that I was about to experience.

I didn’t consider his wife and what she must have had to endure while I was “dating” her husband. Women have a very distinct discernment for things like this. They had been married for over 20 years.

This affair went on for 2 and a half years before his wife caught wind of it.

We went on trips, he was with me through hospitalizations, deaths in my family, and my children’s school events.

One night he went to sleep and didn’t lock his phone. His wife stayed up all night reading our messages in his phone, our emails, and our Facebook messenger messages. I can only imagine the anger and hurt she felt. No the rage that she felt! She looked through my profile all night too. Saved my pictures and everything.

She threatened to sue me for alienation of affection. Yes, that is a thing in NC.

I can’t believe I hurt another woman like that.

I was blinded by the promise of a love that I never experienced. I know I will get mixed reviews on this, but this is my truth. This is where I was. This was a source of shame for a long time. His wife didn’t care about that!!!! All she knew was the man she made a vow before God to love forever was having a whole relationship behind her back.

I woke up to a message from his wife. As you may can guess it was not a nice one. I panicked. What did she know? Did he tell her? Was he leaving now? He promised if she found out he would leave. I was embarrassed, but happy too because this meant we could finally be together?? Right???That is what he said!

Who was I? Who had I become? Why was I doing this? I began to have so many regrets. The days following this day got very interesting to say the least. Our affair lasted another year or so. It was so toxic.

He manipulated me, but I was not innocent. I’m very intelligent, and to be perfectly honest I wanted to believe what he said until it was undeniable my hero was a liar. His stories began to unravel. He became somebody I didn’t recognize. Or maybe I didn’t know him in the first place. Guess who did? His wife!

I finally let go. I hit rock bottom. It was like someone had let the air out of all my balloons on cloud nine. He still confessed his love for me, but I was over his song and dance. To add insult to injury I was not the only one. 🤫😳. He had several of us. While he was still making me promises he had moved on and moved in with another woman.

I’m giving you my truth in hopes that if you are currently in a similar situation it will free you.

I cringe at the thought of my behavior in that mess. I cringe because I’m smarter than that. I cringe because I never want to be her again.

I attribute my behavior to allowing my broken pieces to control the better part of me. I was desperate. I reaped everything I had sown. This is my scarlet letter.

I am no longer a lady of the night. I know my worth. I wish I could take this back, but I can’t so I will make it right.

I am a whole woman who is deserving of my own husband. God will never bless you with someone else’s spouse.

Satan will send you everything God has already promised you.

Iyanla Vanzant (I love her!) Said, “When you declare a thing, the opposite of that thing will show up.”

If it is love you want, pray and ask God to send you someone to love you. He is faithful. It may not manifest when you want it, but it will always be on time.

A few things I learned from this:

It does NOT matter what goes on between a man and his wife!

If she isn’t giving him sex = not your business.

If she doesn’t cook = not your business.

If she doesn’t support him in his dreams = not your business.

If they argue all the time =not for business.

Also, if he is:

Seperated, sleeping in a different room, not in love anymore, not attracted to her, there for the kids… guess what? He is still married.

I have had some dark days in my world because of this, but glory unto God, I am forgiven!

I thought of his wife many days, and on several occasions. She was never my enemy. She was his first victim.

Writing this out is part of my healing. There is a reason I praise God like I do! He has restored me!

As always, thank you for stopping by. Leave me a comment or share this blog entry.

#Bootsiefromshelby

Disclaimer: I am not judging anyone who may be going through a situation like this. This is my testimony.

#delivered #adultry #loveaffair #lovetriangle #brokenhearted #sex #lies #deceit

The elephant in the room: Love yourself in every season of your life

Sometimes I am hurt. Sometimes I am annoyed. Today I am inspired. I am inspired but my own strength to never give up on me. I love taking pictures of myself and others. My pictures bring me joy during my low points. A few years ago I vowed to take a picture everyday after seeing a picture of myself at my largest weight. I used them as a source of motivation, and evidence to support my decision to start my weight loss journey. I’ve been over weight all my life. The onset of my eating disorder started around the age of 5 years old, because of molestation. I was molested by several of my family members. I didn’t know how to tell anyone. I was too afraid of what might happen so I didn’t tell anyone.

I’ve always been “pretty” according to my mother and my older family members. My daddy told me often how pretty I was until the day he died (12-9-2013) I was 38 years old.

I was known as the smiling baby. Even today I’m known for my smile. I must admit I love my smile too.

Unfortunately, that smile hasn’t always told the truth. It hid a multitude of sin. It hid molestation from my parents who were in a very abusive failing marriage, it hid hurt and shame when I got fat shamed by people as a kid (mostly adults in my family), it hid hurt when the man I loved brought his girlfriend to meet me, it hid disappointment when I didn’t get the job because I was “fat“.

I’ve come a long way since those days. I’ve fought depression, negative body image, low self esteem, promiscuity, and many more things because I fell into what society said I should be because I am “fat“.

I learned to love myself just the way I am. I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight, but I neglected to do the work needed on the inside, and BOOM! The weight came right back. I realized there was no easy fix to this weight loss thing, but to get up and do the work. Let me say this, the only way I got up and stayed up is my relationship with God. God is my stable foundation. My friend, my comforter, and my reason for being who I am.

My journey today is to heal from what broke me, lose weight in the process, and to love every inch of me right now. Every moment I feed myself loving words. I encourage myself when I am feeling low. I look in the mirror and instead of looking at what’s wrong, I concentrate on what’s right. I spent time with positive people. I pray. I meditate. I do nice things for other people. I love on everybody around me.

I am often called a diva. I’m known for being “prissy“. (Although I don’t think so). I love dressing up everyday. I love glitter! I love dresses! I love getting my hair done, eye lashes, manicures and pedicures! I love looking my best. I love bright colors! I love matte lipstick💄🤗.

For the most part, I am celebrated everywhere I go. I have friends and family who adore me. (I love y’all so much). But for every positive in life there is always a negative. For me I call it, “the elephant in the room”.

What is that? Well, I’m glad you asked! There are many people who feel like because you celebrate yourself as a plus sized woman or person you are ignoring the fact that you need to loose weight. A popular saying is, “you not thick you are fat”.

I never identify as thick. I identify as Deana. For the record, me loving myself in this season of my journey doesn’t mean I’m blind to my reality. I’m not here to convince anyone, or plead my case. I’m offering an understanding to those of you who think because overweight people celebrate themselves they are neglecting their health. That if you accept yourself and celebrate yourself you are being delusional.

Contrary to popular belief, most overweight people know they need to lose weight. They are aware of the health issues related to being overweight.

It is a never ending battle on a daily basis. It is food addiction. Most overweight, morbidly obese people have experienced some form of trauma that caused them to eat enormous amounts of food for comfort.

My trauma came from being molested from the age of 3 – 12 years old. Then, being raped. I suffer from PTSD, because of witnessing my father savagely beating my mother, and then ultimately attempting to murder her by stabbing her in her heart in front of me.

My mother survived. I had to go to court and testify against my father on my mother’s behalf. I come from a small town in NC. There was no escaping the whole city knowing what happened to my mother. It caused me to shutdown. I was a kid. It seemed no one cared or noticed what I was going through. It was the equivalent to living in hell. There was also a rumor going around that my dad caught my mom in the bed with a man, and that’s why he stabbed her. It was false. I watched him stab her. Grown adults use to ask me questions about the incident. Some of them said awful things about my mother while the other half said bad things about my father. The jacked up thing is they should not have said anything to me. Kids should never have to pay for their parents shortcomings.

Food became my happy place. It was the one thing that was consistent in my topsy turvy childhood. It was easy to access and I would eat until I felt better. I remember eating whole pans of macaroni and cheese, but I couldn’t remember actually eating it. There are a few things I do to keep myself moving forward.

1. I start my day with prayer.

2. I do not buy junk food with my grocery. My thought is if it isn’t in the house I can’t eat it.

3. I don’t eat when I’m upset.

4. I don’t binge eat.

5. When I’m feeling low I take the time to meditate, and search my emotions to understand why I’m upset. Then o deal with it.

6. I surround myself with positive people. I search social media for successful weight loss stories.

7. I write. I journal. I blog. (Duh 🤣)

If you are reading this, I hope that it has given you some insight on why I celebrate myself and embrace my beauty as a morbidly obese woman. The preconceived misconceptions are so off kilter.

To my fellow overweight brothers and sisters. Do what you have to do and get healthy, but in every season, CELEBRATE YOURSELF! LOVE YOURSELF! BE KIND TO YOU! THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS!

We teach others how to treat us by the way we treat ourselves. ❤

As always, thank you for stopping by.

#Bootsiefromshelby

#selflove #morbidobesity #weightloss #ptsd #mentalillness #happy #transparency #weightlossjourney #trauma

Battle Ready Prayer by: Trevor Pope

Praises be to the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the Holy one of Israel, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I give you thanks and praise for your goodness, your mercy and your grace. I give thanks for a mind to pray, a heart to seek your face and authority to bring my members into subjection. I thank you for this moment and the opportunity that each day brings. I know that each day is special and I am empowered with unlimited potential. There are no ceilings on my life obstacles, that cannot be overcome or barriers that can stand in my way. In fact, this is the greatest day of my life and I am free to exercise all of the gifts and talents you have blessed me with. My hopes and dreams can manifest today and I approach this moment with great expectation for miracles, breakthrough

Prayer…

Father God I come to you in Jesus name asking you for forgiveness of my sins. I ask for forgiveness oh God that you accept my prayer this morning. I thank you God for giving me the purest form of love that I’ve ever known. I pray for every person connected to me by blood, by love, by social media, or through my community. I ask God that you send a spirit of revival through us. Resurrect those things in us that have died because of addictions, molestation, brokenness, sickness, mental illness and spiritual warfare. God send a fresh fire anointing to your people father. Thank you God for your mercy, grace, love, kindness and mercies that are new and available to us every day. God I speak to weary and down trodden areas in our lives. Lord fill us with a portion of your strength. Give us the favor Daniel received while he was in the lion’s den! God give us the courage to do as you command! Father allow us to hear you clearly in our spirits oh God. Silence every voice and remove every thought that is not from you! Cause our thoughts to become aligned with your will for our lives. God I ask in Jesus name that you dispatch a legend of our guardian angels, ministering angels and waring angels to encamp around us to keep us in all of your ways! Father thank you for the peace that surpasses ALL understanding! Even in times when we should be crying. Send your loving comfort to the families who are going through deaths, disasters and tragedies. God I thank you for regenerating kidneys, canceling dialysis treatments, healing cancers throughout the body and causing chemo treatments to no longer being needed, God I thank you for regulating minds, casting out deaf and dumb spirits, murderous spirits, and every spirit that has exalted itself against the knowledge of God! God we command every unstable mind to be ye loosed in Jesus name! We plead the blood right now!

God there are many of your children who are broken in this season, but your word says that you will give a garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. Give them joy. Break every chain, every yoke, every stronghold!God we honor you! Thank you for lifting up a holy standard for your people! Thank you for your faithfulness! Thank you for sending Jesus who died on the cross for us! God we thank you that his blood never loses its power!

W

e cancel every demonic attack and assignment over your people right now in Jesus name!

Father we give you glory for we know it is so in Jesus name we pray…amen

Who have you hurt?

Some years ago someone came to me and told me that I hurt them. They told me what I did, what I said, and how they used to sit and cry about it. This person was a man I used to date. He did many hurtful things to me. Until that day, I told a story of how he treated me. All of it was true, but so was the things he said. It took me some time to realize that I did hurt him. I was in his city one day, and I called him. I asked him could he meet me for lunch. He accepted, and after we caught up I said, “I’m sorry. I apologize for….”

He looked at me for a second and dropped his head. Tears started running down his cheeks like a hurt little boy. I didn’t know what to do so I kept talking. I explained to him that I was broken too. I never thought of myself as the type of person who could hurt anybody because it’s not my style.

Take a closer look, you are not as solid as you think. Those subtle things you do that you don’t think a person notices? They notice. I’ve been hurt many times in my life through different relationships, friendships, e.t.c…

Because of that experience now I all careful at the words I say to others.

I had someone to hurt my feelings the other day. It changed things between us. I pray daily and I ask God to reveal to me who I can trust. Who I can let my guard down with.

I ask you on this day, who have you hurt?

If someone comes to mind, you need to apologize to them.

Thanks for visiting! #Bootsiefromshelby