“You left me in the same place with more baggage than I had before.”

Those are my own words to someone I thought I loved. I thought he loved me too, but in reality both of us were fluent in brokenness. We connected at a time in our lives when we believed that all we needed was one another.

Sounds like a good day time soap opera doesn’t it?

It was a disaster waiting to happen, and the disaster did happen. What happened to the love we shared? Who did I just share all the most intimate parts of me with? When did it all change? Where do I go from here? How was I going to function without him?

At first I played every sad song on YouTube. I chopped it up with my girlfriends on the phone, I took sexy pictures and posted them on Facebook because I knew he would be lurking. Then I posted all the Mary J. Blige quotes from her song, Just Fine, but in reality I was a mess.

Not like when a 2 year old make a mess, but like a tsunami mess. Then to top it off, I had to gather my own pieces, and act like nothing was wrong in front of my kids.

Have you been there before? I can hear many of you yelling now…“Yes girl!!!”

I know you on board now, but I hope you don’t hop off with what I’m about to tell you.

What I realized through all my sadness, all my brokenness, and all my “sacrificing” for him, was he was not solely to blame for my brokenness.

You know why?

Well… I’m glad you asked! We are all in charge of our own feelings. It is not another person’s responsibility to make sure you are ok. Unless you are a parent. If we are honest, most of us were broken before the relationship.

We were born into dysfunction. Raised in dysfunction, and now living in dysfunction as a grown up. Trying to function “normally” when we don’t have a clue what that even looks like. Read on…

Red Flags

What about those red flags? The inconsistencies when you are getting to know him? First he tells you he has his own place, but then one morning you hear a woman fussing at her kids in the background. You inquire on who that is, and it’s his “sister”. If he will lie about something simple what else will he lie about? This is just an example, but you get what I’m saying.

There are a few things I’ve learned along the way that no one told me as it relates to dating, relationships and love. I’m not an expert by far! I’m still learning, but these are a few things I’ve gathered and I’d like to share them with you.

Take a look:

1. Love yourself first before you expect someone else to.

Men can smell low self esteem states away! Literally. They love confidence, but some men like to prey on women who have low self esteem. Be careful. I don’t care if you shaped like the #4. Honor yourself. Don’t accept less than you deserve. We teach people how to treat us by how we allow them to treat us.

2. If he does not want you move on.

I know it was going well. I know he said he didn’t want a girlfriend and now he has one. For whatever reason he did not want a commitment with you. IT IS OK!! It does not make you less than. Let him go. Leave him alone. You are saving yourself a lifetime of heartache and pain. If a man does not see a future in you it doesn’t matter what you change about yourself. It is only temporary. You are perfect just like you are for the heart that is purposed to love you.

3. Stop hating other women over a man.

How many times have you pulled up her Instagram, Facebook or snapchat trying to figure out what he sees in her? Comparing yourself to her, picking her apart. Laughing with your friends because she is fat, bald, too skinny…. whatever she may be to you. The one thing to remember is whatever it is, he is with her. That is the choice he made. Don’t let it tear you down or apart. Truthfully, unless she is a family member or a close friend, you have no business hating her over a man. Even then there is a healthy way of moving forward. Men get off so easy in this department. They can cheat, drive your car to go see her, make babies and somehow you forgive him. He is more at fault than she is, because he made a commitment to you. I get it. I’ve been there.

4. Stop rationalizing what has happened.

The truth might set you free, but it also hurts. Stop trying to minimize what he did. He said he would never cheat. He did. He said he would never do drugs again. He did. He said he would never hit you again. He did. It don’t matter if she threw herself on him, or he was stressed out or you was running your mouth. He crossed the boundaries you set forth to let you know when it is time to call it quits. Save the sugar for the koolaid. The more you ignore and rationalize things, the longer you are prolonging the inevitable.

5. Stop breaking your heart and blaming him.

It’s been a lil over a year now. You see his pattern. You see that every weekend he disappear. Monday morning can’t get in quick enough before he blowing your phone up. Yes, the same phone you been calling and texting all weekend with no response. You are hurt. You are mad, but you want to see him, so you let him right back in. Knowing when the weekend roll back around the cycle repeats itself. Exhale…

6. Soul ties are real. Consider celibacy.

Let me give a disclaimer to this #6. It is NOT an easy task. I am currently struggling through casting down imaginations in my mind and flashbacks of good sex. However, when I think about my last relationship, situationships, and FWB (friends with benefits) relationships I think about how I gave my body to someone in the most intimate way, and I can’t get that back. I am by myself when I want to be held. I don’t have a special someone to call when I’m all stressed out. Date night? Turns into girls night out. My tire blow out? Better call AAA! Good morning text? Appointment reminders and my homegirls. How is that so and I’m giving my body to someone? I’m priceless. You are too. Consider celibacy until you have someone who respects you, has fallen for you, and wants more than a quicky. Sex is more mental for us women. It has to start way before the actual act itself. The struggle of getting someone out of your system is so great often you fall back into it before you are able to break away fully. I don’t want that. The next man I love and make love to I want him to be my husband. No more getting my best, and walking off when you are done.

7. Unpack your baggage.

I love, love, love Erykah Badu’s song Bag Lady… it is the perfect depiction of some of us. As women we carry a lot anyway. When we continually experience broken relationships one after another our storage buildings (hearts and minds) overflow with a bunch of unnecessary junk. All the bad experiences. All of the trash men have dumped on us because we pretended to have room to take it. Now the relationship is over and we are left with more junk than we started with. Unpack.

Unpack and get rid of everything that don’t belong to you! Stop carrying things in your heart and minds then wonder why things are not working in your life! You have too much stuff! You are beautiful! You are smart! You are more than enough! You don’t have anything to be ashamed about! You deserve to be loved, honored and respected! Now believe it!

As always, thank you for reading my blog! Leave me a comment to let me know you were here. #share

#Bootsiefromshelby

#relationships #women #soulties #baggage #sisterhood #love

I was on Facebook scrolling through one night and I read a post that read, “Are you really happy being a BBW or do you want to loose weight but you can’t so you settle for being fat?”

The poster went on to say she wasn’t happy being a BBW, and she wanted to be smaller. She was crucified in the comments for being honest. I understood where she was coming from.

I also thought about my answer to the question. My thoughts on it is this. BBW is not who I am. It is a title I’ve accepted from the world. I am a beautiful woman in my skin. I just happen to have a bit more of meat on me than most.

As I’ve gotten older, losing weight is imperative to my health and quality of life. Being a BBW hasn’t always been popular. For many of us it has been a source of shame and bullying.

Bullying from our families, in the community, and in the dating world. Now it seems to be an all time high with men wanting to date a BBW.

You might come across a BBW who is confident, gorgeous and not ashamed to smash a cheeseburger on a first date! So what???

Let her do her thing!

I remember when I first realized that I was desirable to men. It was on and popping!!!! Yes, at one time I didn’t believe I was desirable because I was a BBW. 😭💔👈imagine that. During those dark years I settled for less than I should have. I broke my own heart.

I don’t think any of us should judge a woman if she is happy being fat. Let her live her life. As for me, my identity is not BBW. I accepted being called that, because it was often used to describe me. I rolled with it.

I am much more than a big beautiful woman.

As always, thank you for stopping by!

Until next time,

#Bootsiefromshelby

I been in my feelings for the last week or so, which is not a good place to be, but nevertheless I took a mini vacation there.

I found myself there when something I believed in crumbled right before my eyes. I don’t take rejection well. I got a double dose from God back to back. It was something I thought I needed. It was something I was planning for. It was something I thought he sent.

One thing I know is if God sent it there will be no sorrow attached to it. That should have been my first sign. I was laboring for this thing without an anointed seed.

Much like a kid I threw a tantrum! I was mad, petty, hurt, and finally I was embarrassed at my own actions. This situation exposed an immature place in me. It was then that I understood God’s no. God can’t bless us with his best when we aren’t ready to handle it.

As I reflect on what has seemingly been time wasted, I am focusing more on the fact that God loved me enough not to let me fall on my face. He stepped in before my foolishness could graduate. He removed it from my life. From my reach.

I thank God for being the greater in me when I was not operating in the greater he placed in me. God is amazing in all his ways.

Although we may not always understand his ways, he will never take us through anything that will not greatly benefit us later. Wait on God’s blessings!!

Grateful I am 💞

One of God’s favorite Daughter’s

#Bootsiefromshelby

#favor #faith #growth #hisdelayisnotyourdenial #John3.16

BROKEN

BATTERED

BRUISED

BLESSED

BEAUTIFUL

BETTER

BOUNTIFUL

BORN- AGAIN

~B

Last year (2018), there were many trials in my life, but by far what I’m about to tell you took every ounce of faith and strength to get through. I battle a chronic illness, and doing anything is like walking around with a washer machine tied around my neck. On this day, it was no different. I was in pain, weak, and upset over some ongoing family issues.

My son Damion had been walking around for some time with a distinct limp in his walk. He had fallen off his bike and the injury was contributed to that incident.

Mothers and Fathers… we know when something isn’t right with our children. I couldn’t shake the feeling. I made him an appointment with the orthopedic doctor. The next day we went in for his appointment…

Just to give you a little fyi,

Damion has a genetic disorder and learning disabilities. He is considered to be special needs. At first glance, he is just a kid who is sometimes mischievous and other times a growing teenager who loves basketball and food… lol #truestory. He never complains of pain or discomfort, unless there is something wrong. The night before his doctor’s appointment he told me he was going to take a shower and lay down because his hip hurt. I said a prayer and waited on the next day’s appointment.

We arrived at the orthopedic clinic and I began to tell the doctor what he was experiencing. They took him for x-rays and hurriedly came back in. The doctor looked worried and scared. As calmly as she could, she explained that my son had a slipped capital femoral epiphysis. In other words the ball in his hip had slipped behind his pelvic bone. Ouch!

She further explained he was in critical condition, and had to be admitted to the children’s hospital immediately and have emergency surgery. I looked in my son’s face and all I seen was fear. Because he was scared I couldn’t be. I had to be the equivalent to Clark Kent. His father is not in his life so there was no one to call. I notified my friends and a couple family members through text. To be honest I’m writing this in tears. As parents, we can take mistreatment, endure sickness, skip a meal, but when it comes to our children we will take our own beating hearts out of our chests to put into theirs. No award or kudos needed. I believe God gives us children to show us the degree of love he has for us. It is this love that had me not feeling my pain or weakness. I opted to drive my son to the hospital instead of going by ambulance. I knew I had to make what he was about to go through make sense to him, because his levels of anxiety were already high. He does not like hospitals and ambulances e.t.c… between my crisis and his, he has seen a considerable amount of time in hospitals and doctor offices.

Reluctantly, the doctor allowed me to transport my son. I stopped by sonic on the way and ordered him everything he wanted on that menu. I know what you are thinking, lol, yes he was going into emergency surgery, but I needed him to be in a happy place before I could tell him he was in danger of his hip breaking and bone fragments cutting his organs and he could bleed to death before doctors could figure out where the bleeding was coming from.

That he was going to have to have a titanium rod placed in his hip, and a screw in the other one, because it was in danger of slipping also.

Exhaling… he is eating his food and I’m racing down 40 to Winston Salem, NC. I trusted Baptist Hospital, because several years prior my father had his leg amputated there.

I began my talk, I said, “Damion we are going to the children’s hospital right now because you have to have surgery on your hurt hip. I’m going to be right there with you until you get better ok?”

I was fighting tears so hard and clenching my jaws so much so, that I bite the side of my jaw until it starting bleeding. I’m praying a prayer in my head so loud I was sure everybody of the highway heard it.

He looked up at me and asked, “Mama am I gonna die?”

Before i knew what to say or what I said I screamed a resounding, “No son you are not going to die! You are going to live and run, play football, ride your bike and do anything you want!”

He smiled and giggled a little, and nodded his head in agreement. I know he was scared, but he also knew he needed to be strong. My son trusts me with a trust that I feel like I don’t deserve. He loves me so much, and he doesn’t hesitate showing it. Sometimes I worry that he loves me too much.

I completely understand it, because I am his only caretaker, his walking talking siri for lack of better words. We don’t use the words special needs in our home, because I don’t want him to give into the stigma that special needs means he is helpless, less smart and less capable.

We arrive at the hospital and a team of doctors were waiting on us. They immediately took him back for more x-rays. The team explained to me that they didn’t feel comfortable doing his surgery, because my son’s case was more serious than they thought. They were flying in a specialist who would be there the next morning around 5am.

I’m explaining to my son everything that they are telling me. He was admitted in the hospital, and we were taken up to his room. He kept trying to get up out of his bed to give it to me to sleep. I told him I was fine although I was lying. When he went to sleep I started taking my own meds. I was crying because I felt so alone. I was in a fragile place. If my son died what would I do? How could i break the news to his sister’s knowing it would devastate them? These thoughts were paralyzing.

I said a last prayer before drifting off to sleep. It was 1 am, and the doctor would be in at 5 am.

I prayed, “Dear God, drop my name in the spirit of your prayer warriors. I can’t do this alone.”

I was woken up by a little short woman who was the surgeon who would perform my son’s surgery.

She said, “Mama, I do this surgery often. I looked at his x-rays, and I am confident I can fix it. No worries. Look at me, I got this ok?”

In tears I nodded in agreement. I prayed over my son and they rolled him out. I sat alone in the surgery waiting area tired, weak, and feeling defeated. My body was reacting to my stress. My legs were swollen, my whole body was in pain, my stomach was queasy. I couldn’t eat. I was shaking, and a migraine was beginning to set in. Before I could totally lose it, I got the phone call, his surgery was a success!

He made it out of surgery and I could breath again. Back in his room he was still sleeping from the anesthesia. I laid down to get some rest too, and my phone rung. It was my best friend. Hearing her voice made me tear up again. I knew she was checking in on us, but what she said next was, “God laid you on my heart. I need to come be with you. I am getting on the train, and I will see you shortly.” She didn’t have a car. She was one hour and a half away, but she made a way. God made a way.

God was listening! She came and stayed with us even after his release. God had done it again!

I don’t know what you may be facing today, but whatever it is know that help is on the way. Know that God’s perfect love is available to you, for you, and it will lift you! He cares what is happening in your life.

My son is fine. He does not have any limitations walking, playing basketball, running e.t.c…!!!! To God we give all the glory!

Conditions do not have to be perfect for a miracle to manifest!

Thank you for taking this time to read my blog entry! Please leave a comment or share it with someone who can recieve some encouragement for it. ❤

#Bootsiefromshelby

#parenting #specialneeds #emergency #singlemother #miracle