I’m NOT in Love

“I’m not in love, it’s just some kind of thing, I’m going through, and it’s not infatuation, ain’t nothing going on between me and you.” (Missing You Song by Mary J. Blige)

I remember listening to this song in the 90s on repeat and drinking my gin and juice. yes, I am that old! lol…I had fallen in another love trap, and I was nursing a broken heart. I promised myself once I got over being love sick that I’d never allow myself to get into another “entanglement”. Well, I lied to myself. It was something that I told myself to make it through that moment. I remember sitting on my porch devising a plan to get my head out of the clouds. I managed. My heart healed and life went on.

Over these years since that day on my porch, I have been in love twice and numerous occasions of infatuations. My heart is hard headed and addicted to love. My mind is an over thinker and often a day late and a dollar short. It seems that I’ve always picked the wrong guy. I’m no love expert, but you can definitely look in my life and know what NOT to do as it relates to love.

I have found myself in the craziest situations. I’ve love men that didn’t love themselves, I’ve loved men who had red flags flying out of his ears and a flashing sign over his head that read, “do not date me!!!!!!!!!” , and what did I do? Dated him, loved him, and cried when I had to let him go.

Last year I decided to take a step back after finding out the guy that would swear on Jesus sandals that he loved me, turned out to be none of who he professed to be. The only thing that he told me the truth about was his name. I was proud of myself for handling the betrayal and heartbreak like I did. I broke things off with him and started dating. I met a few good guys, but there was no love connection. Dating is hard in the 40s club. The pickings are slim. Maybe its just me?

The very best thing you can do as a single person is to guard your heart. People are out here not playing fair. What do you mean Bootsie? I am glad you asked! I have met men who had wives, men that were in relationships and living with their significant other, bi-sexual men…let me interject right here if I may, if you are gay or bi-sexual that is your business. However, the woman you are dating has a right to know. Give her the opportunity to choose to be a part of that lifestyle or not. I’ve met women who were cool with it.

We are living in an era where everything is so sexually driven. I feel sorry for the teenagers these days. We were pretty wild back in my teenaged years, but the teens of today have so much to deal with. It is almost like having a moral compass or standard is a negative. Girls arte expected to give their bodies freely without being respected, loved or appreciated. Guys are expected to hit everything walking. Meaning sleep with as many girls as you can. Then you are the man. It is no wonder AIDS is a global pandemic.

I am grateful each time my AIDS/HIV test come back negative. I will be the first to admit that I’ve been no saint. It took me a minute to value that hot little thing between my legs. It had a mind of it’s very own. I struggled for many years with self worth. In my childhood I dealt with molestation and rape. I was raped again when I was 25 years old. I adopted a mindset that no one was going to take my body again. I would give it away before I would allow anyone to take it again.

I dealt with promiscuity at different times in my life. I learned to manipulate men with sex. I learned to be a seductress. It wasn’t hard. The hard part was trying to regain my dignity after I didn’t want to be that woman anymore. It was having to go through times when I did not want to have sex. I wanted to have intimacy. I wanted to laugh and talk and cuddle, but because of the way I presented myself, sex was always on the menu. I remember feeling like two different people. I became numb to sex. I was there to perform. I was an actress. I was sinking deeper and deeper into the darkness. I remember thinking, “all I want is for someone to love me for me.” I didn’t want to be a freak. I didn’t want one more man telling me how good I felt to him, but he wasn’t there to find out who I really was. I knew that the only person that could change this narrative was me.

Believe it or not I had a hard time dating and not having sex. Sex was the way I communicated. I talked about sex very vulgarly. I had to retrain myself to talk about things that interested me. It was also how I weeded through the guys to find out who was there to get to know me, and who was there for sex. I had learned to separate sex from love. No bueno!!!!

Once you learn to separate sex from love you have a whole different problem to deal with. I know that this is the era in which many people are practicing having sex and “not catching feelings”. In my opinion that is the dumbest thing you can put yourself through when you desire to be more than a bed mate. I have practiced it and I failed. i either caught feelings or he did. It was very awkward and I will never do that to myself again. Let me help some of you out there that may be reading this, if a person had made it clear to you that all they want is sex…ALL THEY WANT IS SEX!!! I don’t care if they bring you food, go on dates with you, go out of town with you, bring you around their child or family, call you boo or whatever it might be, do NOT plan and start to act out like you are in a relationship. Not all cases, but 90% of these entanglements end in disaster. I’ve seen men and women get drug through the mud because they caught feelings for a coward. Yes, you are a coward if you are sleeping with someone you know loves you. It might break their hearts for the moment, but it is better to break their heart with the truth than to crush it with a lie.

I also can not act as if I’ve always been on the receiving end of the heartbreak. I’ve broken some hearts too. I really wish I could tell you all about a situation I was in, but I will keep that to myself at the caution that he may read this, and I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I did. He didn’t deserve the things that I put him through. If you are reading this I truly apologize. You are an awesome individual. The saying hurt people hurt people is very true.

As I sit here tonight single, I am very grateful that my heart is on the mend. I came out of yet another disappointing situationship. I take full blame for it, because I saw the signs, I wasn’t ready to read them. Remember this, a person can not be the person you perceive them to be. What is in them is going to come out. You can’t make someone be what they are not. If you are with a serial cheater and you stay in that relationship, guess what? He/she will cheat again. You will either accept it or be prepared to be heartbroken again.

Thank you for reading! Leave me a comment, like, share!


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