Dishonored For Love

It is easy to say what you will not do until you find yourself in a situation that you aren’t strong enough to resist. There is a saying that I’ve heard my elders say many times which is, “what is in you is what will come out.”

I found myself stuck in love. I went blindly into a situation that took me further than I wanted to go. I could not for the life of me figure out how I got stuck in love with someone who had such blatant disrespect for my heart. No, he wasn’t mean or callous. He was actually the opposite of it. When we were together and we spent intimate time together he played his part very well. He showed me that he loved me and that he cared. I fell right in without checking him out to see if he was who he said he was. The red flags were flying everywhere! He lied about almost everything he told me except his name. He met all of my family and my children. He would do anything I asked him to do.

The first sign that there was a problem between us was his excuses and his absences. He was always on the go. He was always doing something or in a rush until I complained. Then he would comply with my demands. He was also obsessive. He was jealous. He did not want any man talking to me or doing anything for me. He would do it. I wasn’t completely blind-sighted by his antics, but the way he acted was like I was the best thing since sliced bread. I think he missed his calling. He should definitely go to Hollywood and see if he could get an acting career started. In the end, I found out he was in several relationships with other women. He denied every last one of them. I knew the truth, but I didn’t want to accept that he was not the man I perceived him to be. I really, really needed him to be that loving caring loud fun man that adored me. I needed him to be the man that told me how beautiful I was. I needed him to be my knight in shining armor that came to my rescue because I was crying in pain. I needed him to be the soothing voice and strong man that would tear anyone apart if they acted like they wanted to do me harm. I needed him to make me laugh and dance around in the floor to cheer me up. But it all was one sick lie.

When I started becoming suspicious of his behaviors and his lies started unraveling, it was like peeling paint off the wall. You think you are picking one spot, but that little thing became a big one in seconds. I found out so many things, but when I felt that uncomfortable feeling I knew I was not ready to be without him. I knew that I was in trouble. I knew that I was about to go on a roller-coaster ride. Boy did I!! I didn’t tell him I knew what I knew. I continued to let him come and go as he pleased. It started to take a toll on me. I felt myself slipping into depression.

I was in a relationship with a man who had other women and I stayed. I was in a relationship with a man who was sexually active with other women and I stayed. I was in a relationship with a man who lied to my face everyday and I stayed. I stayed even though he was dishonoring me. Each time I allowed him to walk in and out of my door knowing that he was going “home” to be with another woman, I dishonored myself for what I believed to be love. Wow. Exhaling…

Singer Betty Wright says in one of her songs that it is better to have a piece of man than have no man at all. That is simply not true. Having a piece of man is the same as having no man at all.

For a long time when I spoke of him, I’d start off with saying I know he loves me but… there is no but after that statement. Love is a beautiful thing. When a person love you, they will not put you in any position that will hurt you or to jeopardize losing you. I went from being hurt to angry, because I already know these things! I am no stranger to life and the fool love can make out of you. How did I get here? How did I let myself get involved with this type of man?

The truth is when you have a wounded soul from so many hurts, disappointments and rejections in life, you will accept the bare minimum of things. How you let others treat you is a self reflection. Ouch!! What do you believe you deserve? Why? What is it in you that you allow someone to treat you like you don’t matter? Truth is…

My heart is one that needs to heal. I need to heal from my first heartbreak. I need to heal from loving someone who married someone else in my face. Truth be told no one can play us unless we allow it. If you keep running into the same type of man/woman in a different body it is time to do a self reflection.

That has been one of the hardest things I’ve had to do to date. I am still healing. I had to go inside those locked away places and unpack the hurts that caused me pain in my past. Healing is imperative to your/our future. After going through the humiliation and hurt I had to forgive him. I had to release the thought of wanting to get back at him for playing with my feelings. One of my friends who was present the whole time for this relationship or lack of better words, believes he is in love with me, but because of a few circumstances he has allowed himself to get in, believes that is why the other women came into play.

Can I be real and say that I do not give a damn? Some women believe in that main chick side chick stuff. I do not unless you are married to him. A lot of women operate in ego, and believe they have won the man. It feeds a need on the inside of them where they have been rejected in the past. Ego will have you out here looking stupid. If a man doesn’t want to be kept, he will always find a way to cheat. This is where you as a woman have to stand and have a standard. Refuse to be part of his entourage of women auditioning for his broken love. Men who lie, manipulate, and use women like toilet paper are dangerous. They are broken themselves and need healing also. Confronting the things that have broken you in your past isn’t easy. It doesn’t feel good when you have to admit that you have allowed men to use you and your body. You may have to seek counseling and allow them to help you navigate the task of healing. Healing is ugly. I will tell you the truth. You have to revisit a place that you ran from. Healing is a slow process.

Sometimes that will not happen overnight, most times it doesn’t. When you look at the situation for what it is, instead of looking at another woman as your enemy or competition, you will soon realize you are too good for that. Lay down your weapons of jealousy, malice, strife and vengeance. The biggest flex is walking away. Cutoff all contact and stand in your decision. It will sting. It may make you cry, but cut it all. The sex. The I love you and I miss you texts and phone calls. You are worth so much more than being someone’s second thought.

Forgive yourself for what you allowed and move forward. In time he will not matter anymore. No harm, no foul.

As a believer, I’ve asked God to break the soul ties from having sex with him and allowing our spirits to connect. On the days that I feel like I want to talk to him, I take it straight to God and ask him to remove the desire.

If love is dishonoring you I pray that you are strong enough to let it go. Choose you. You are worth it.

Thank you for reading and supporting my blog. Please like, follow, and share. Leave me a message in the comments if this resonates with you.

Follow me on Instagram @confessions.of.a.survivor.

-Bootsie

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